Wow. I have a really bad habit of spacing out my posts. Looks like I might have found my new years resolution. The last few months have been a little crazy for us.We have been dealing with one of the biggest decisions we have ever made in our four years of marriage. Jared has been unsure for a long time. He has been going back and forth about staying in the Marine corps, or getting out. He tells me all the time that he is not happy with his job. ( I think he secretly loves it, but he would never admit it) One day he hates his job,but then comes home the next happy and with hysterical stories of what they had done that day. All with a huge smile on his face. Its been a little confusing. Well about three months ago Jared came home with some unexpected news. We had orders to California. This was MAJOR change of plans. We had expected to ride out the rest of Jared's contract here. None of our friends were getting orders. The career planner had explained that it was due to budget cuts, and that they were only moving people they absolutely had to. So there we were. Stuck making this gigantic decision that were were not prepared for. We didn't know what we were going to do. We had just started setting up roots. We had bought a home, found a great church, made some wonderful friends, and were close to Jared's family. Yet here we were faced with a nearly impossible decision. Our choices were, Take the orders. Sell the house and move to California. Or deny those orders, wait for them to issue new ones or get out. Which if Jared were to deny them for a second time,it would have given him a negative paperwork, and made it impossible for him to re enlist if need be. That was getting rid of my husbands security blanket. Which he was NOT ok with. So we put the house on the market. We went back and forth on what we were going to do. We even went as far as putting an offer in on a town home. Only to retract that offer a few weeks later. Every decision we had made felt wrong We had to of been driving our Realtor insane.Poor Chuck. Not to mention how flaky I must have looked on Facebook. Every day it was something new. We changed our minds constantly. One day we were getting out and moving back home. The next we were staying in Fredericksburg, then we were taking new orders. It was ridiculous. Looking back I understand. Our life was so loud and hectic at the time, we were completely drowning out what God was trying to tell us. We were so consumed with fear and uncertainty that we had pushed Him aside. Finally during one of my church small group sessions, our leader asked if anyone needed prayer. Normally I am not one to ask. I am an introvert. I don't like bringing attention to myself if I can help it. But God told me to ask. So I did. After that things began to become clearer. The very next day Jared came home with wonderful news. His new orders had been pushed back six moths. That gave us a little space to breath. We took the house off the market for a few months, so we could get through the holidays, and make a few repairs. When we finally came to our final decision, It didn't feel wrong like it did before. We were actually happy with it. Content, and ready for out next step. So here we are. The house is still off the market. We are planning to re list in after January 1st. We have a trip planned January 10th. We will taking a day trip to Jacksonville NC to pick out a floor plan for a new home, or to place a contingency contract on a inventory home. On one hand I am excited, and happy to be moving back. I never though I would say that since I did not like Jacksonville the first time around. On the other hand I am sad. I will miss our church and friends. Crossroads is were it all took off. Jared became a follower of Christ, and we both were baptized. We even have a baby dedication this Sunday for Elijah. So much has happened here for us. It is so bitter sweet to be leaving. But I know in my heart we have made the right decision. A decision lead by God. If only we had taken the time to slow down and listen to begin with. This entire fiasco would have gone a lot smoother. There would have been less arguments, and tears. We know now where the mistake was made. From now on we can take these big decisions head on. With God at our side we can and will make the best decisions possible for our family. The papers have been singed, the moving date set. Its time to buckle up and get this thing moving. So here we go.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Answers among Chaos
Wow. I have a really bad habit of spacing out my posts. Looks like I might have found my new years resolution. The last few months have been a little crazy for us.We have been dealing with one of the biggest decisions we have ever made in our four years of marriage. Jared has been unsure for a long time. He has been going back and forth about staying in the Marine corps, or getting out. He tells me all the time that he is not happy with his job. ( I think he secretly loves it, but he would never admit it) One day he hates his job,but then comes home the next happy and with hysterical stories of what they had done that day. All with a huge smile on his face. Its been a little confusing. Well about three months ago Jared came home with some unexpected news. We had orders to California. This was MAJOR change of plans. We had expected to ride out the rest of Jared's contract here. None of our friends were getting orders. The career planner had explained that it was due to budget cuts, and that they were only moving people they absolutely had to. So there we were. Stuck making this gigantic decision that were were not prepared for. We didn't know what we were going to do. We had just started setting up roots. We had bought a home, found a great church, made some wonderful friends, and were close to Jared's family. Yet here we were faced with a nearly impossible decision. Our choices were, Take the orders. Sell the house and move to California. Or deny those orders, wait for them to issue new ones or get out. Which if Jared were to deny them for a second time,it would have given him a negative paperwork, and made it impossible for him to re enlist if need be. That was getting rid of my husbands security blanket. Which he was NOT ok with. So we put the house on the market. We went back and forth on what we were going to do. We even went as far as putting an offer in on a town home. Only to retract that offer a few weeks later. Every decision we had made felt wrong We had to of been driving our Realtor insane.Poor Chuck. Not to mention how flaky I must have looked on Facebook. Every day it was something new. We changed our minds constantly. One day we were getting out and moving back home. The next we were staying in Fredericksburg, then we were taking new orders. It was ridiculous. Looking back I understand. Our life was so loud and hectic at the time, we were completely drowning out what God was trying to tell us. We were so consumed with fear and uncertainty that we had pushed Him aside. Finally during one of my church small group sessions, our leader asked if anyone needed prayer. Normally I am not one to ask. I am an introvert. I don't like bringing attention to myself if I can help it. But God told me to ask. So I did. After that things began to become clearer. The very next day Jared came home with wonderful news. His new orders had been pushed back six moths. That gave us a little space to breath. We took the house off the market for a few months, so we could get through the holidays, and make a few repairs. When we finally came to our final decision, It didn't feel wrong like it did before. We were actually happy with it. Content, and ready for out next step. So here we are. The house is still off the market. We are planning to re list in after January 1st. We have a trip planned January 10th. We will taking a day trip to Jacksonville NC to pick out a floor plan for a new home, or to place a contingency contract on a inventory home. On one hand I am excited, and happy to be moving back. I never though I would say that since I did not like Jacksonville the first time around. On the other hand I am sad. I will miss our church and friends. Crossroads is were it all took off. Jared became a follower of Christ, and we both were baptized. We even have a baby dedication this Sunday for Elijah. So much has happened here for us. It is so bitter sweet to be leaving. But I know in my heart we have made the right decision. A decision lead by God. If only we had taken the time to slow down and listen to begin with. This entire fiasco would have gone a lot smoother. There would have been less arguments, and tears. We know now where the mistake was made. From now on we can take these big decisions head on. With God at our side we can and will make the best decisions possible for our family. The papers have been singed, the moving date set. Its time to buckle up and get this thing moving. So here we go.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Finding Grace
It has taken a lot to finally come clean. To admit that my seemingly perfect life just wasn't so. I had convinced myself that asking for help was a sign of weakness, a sign that I could not handle everything I felt I should have been able to. Everyday I put on my happy shoes and walked out the door. I smiled, I laughed, I looked just fine. I seemed perfectly happy.
To all the other moms out their. Do me a favor. Stop focusing on perfection, stop trying to impress everyone else, stop worrying about what everyone else will think. That is what made me hit rock bottom. I had a fear of admitting to failure. I failed at nursing school. Yep I sure did, and I bet I had you convinced that It just wasn't my thing. I would tell myself over and over It wasn't my fault. But you know what it was. I was so concerned about impressing everyone around me, that I never took the time to really stop and think what I was really passionate about. I looked for something reputable, something that would make me feel and look important. Now don't get me wrong. The medical field did interest me. I absolutely love reading about medicine and the human body. Our complexity is an amazing and fascinating subject. I just went into it for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't able to handle the suffering and death aspect of nursing. I failed. Not only did I feel like I let myself down, but I felt like I had failed my husband, my son, mother, grandparents, all of my family and friends. I hit rock bottom. I remember sitting in my bath tub crying. Trying to figure something out. Trying to make what had happened okay. I had no answers, I had no solution. But someone did. That someone was God. I recall a feeling of calm wash over me. I stopped hyperventilating, I stopped crying. I could hear the word "go" over and over in my head. That next day I found my Church. We started attending Crossroads Vineyard Church Easter Sunday of 2013. Since then nothing has been the same.
When we first started attending Jared and I were the quiet couple. We were both shy and a little awkward in new social situations. I had been dealing with severe anxiety, which made it hard for me to be in public. While I was already a follower of Jesus and had a basic understanding of Christianity, Jared had not yet given his life to Christ. I held back a lot in the begging. I was afraid. I did not want to draw attention to myself. Most importantly I did not want to make Jared uncomfortable. I had never shown him my religious side. For a long time God had been put on the back burner, but things were different now. I was a wife and mother. I wanted to know God again. I wanted to raise my boys to know Him. Slowly I came out of my shell. We began volunteering at church. We became part of the welcome team. Things became much easier for us. We fell in love with the atmosphere and the people. Crossroads became home. Several months later Jared committed himself to God and I was Baptized. Things were looking up for me. Soon I found out we were expecting again. To be on the safe side I weaned myself off my anti-depressant. I thought I was stable enough emotionally to go with out it. Now I do not know if it was just my hormones or if I continued to fight depression during my pregnancy. All I know is I was a handful. Jared told me after our son Elijah was born, That I had just been mean and hurtful during my pregnancy. Slowly it all began to come back. The debilitating anxiety and depression. I couldn't drive, I couldn't be in crowds, I was terrified to be alone. I lived in a constant state of fear. My biggest fear being death. I was so afraid I would die at home alone with the boys. If that happened, would they be ok until Jared came home? It was all I thought about all day everyday. It completely consumed my life. Finally I was ready to get help. The following Sunday I did something I had never done before. When our pastor called for people to receive prayer. I got up and went to the first person on the prayer team I saw. Now if you have known me for any length of time, you know that I hate drawing attention to myself in public, and I hate asking for help even more. But that Sunday for the first time in my life I didn't care. God told me to get up and take action, and that's exactly what I did. Not only did our pastors mother pray for me, but I also reached out to other members of the church. I was amazed by how understanding so many of them were. I felt so relieved to find out I wasn't alone. It has taken a lot for me to admit all of this, but I feel compelled to get this out there. I owe it to God to open up about my struggles and the peace I have now found. I just hope that someone will read my blog and know they are not alone. That someone has all the answers, and that person is God.
To all the other moms out their. Do me a favor. Stop focusing on perfection, stop trying to impress everyone else, stop worrying about what everyone else will think. That is what made me hit rock bottom. I had a fear of admitting to failure. I failed at nursing school. Yep I sure did, and I bet I had you convinced that It just wasn't my thing. I would tell myself over and over It wasn't my fault. But you know what it was. I was so concerned about impressing everyone around me, that I never took the time to really stop and think what I was really passionate about. I looked for something reputable, something that would make me feel and look important. Now don't get me wrong. The medical field did interest me. I absolutely love reading about medicine and the human body. Our complexity is an amazing and fascinating subject. I just went into it for all the wrong reasons. I wasn't able to handle the suffering and death aspect of nursing. I failed. Not only did I feel like I let myself down, but I felt like I had failed my husband, my son, mother, grandparents, all of my family and friends. I hit rock bottom. I remember sitting in my bath tub crying. Trying to figure something out. Trying to make what had happened okay. I had no answers, I had no solution. But someone did. That someone was God. I recall a feeling of calm wash over me. I stopped hyperventilating, I stopped crying. I could hear the word "go" over and over in my head. That next day I found my Church. We started attending Crossroads Vineyard Church Easter Sunday of 2013. Since then nothing has been the same.
When we first started attending Jared and I were the quiet couple. We were both shy and a little awkward in new social situations. I had been dealing with severe anxiety, which made it hard for me to be in public. While I was already a follower of Jesus and had a basic understanding of Christianity, Jared had not yet given his life to Christ. I held back a lot in the begging. I was afraid. I did not want to draw attention to myself. Most importantly I did not want to make Jared uncomfortable. I had never shown him my religious side. For a long time God had been put on the back burner, but things were different now. I was a wife and mother. I wanted to know God again. I wanted to raise my boys to know Him. Slowly I came out of my shell. We began volunteering at church. We became part of the welcome team. Things became much easier for us. We fell in love with the atmosphere and the people. Crossroads became home. Several months later Jared committed himself to God and I was Baptized. Things were looking up for me. Soon I found out we were expecting again. To be on the safe side I weaned myself off my anti-depressant. I thought I was stable enough emotionally to go with out it. Now I do not know if it was just my hormones or if I continued to fight depression during my pregnancy. All I know is I was a handful. Jared told me after our son Elijah was born, That I had just been mean and hurtful during my pregnancy. Slowly it all began to come back. The debilitating anxiety and depression. I couldn't drive, I couldn't be in crowds, I was terrified to be alone. I lived in a constant state of fear. My biggest fear being death. I was so afraid I would die at home alone with the boys. If that happened, would they be ok until Jared came home? It was all I thought about all day everyday. It completely consumed my life. Finally I was ready to get help. The following Sunday I did something I had never done before. When our pastor called for people to receive prayer. I got up and went to the first person on the prayer team I saw. Now if you have known me for any length of time, you know that I hate drawing attention to myself in public, and I hate asking for help even more. But that Sunday for the first time in my life I didn't care. God told me to get up and take action, and that's exactly what I did. Not only did our pastors mother pray for me, but I also reached out to other members of the church. I was amazed by how understanding so many of them were. I felt so relieved to find out I wasn't alone. It has taken a lot for me to admit all of this, but I feel compelled to get this out there. I owe it to God to open up about my struggles and the peace I have now found. I just hope that someone will read my blog and know they are not alone. That someone has all the answers, and that person is God.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
The great debate ( big kid panties necessary)
Today was a long day. Not saying all my days are long. Some times they just fly by. The boys really seem to keep me on my toes. Im either wiping a butt, a nose, cleaning up some kind of bodily fluid, picking up the play room, or making pb & J's. My days are pretty full. Kids are demanding little creatures. Today was just one of the hard ones. From the moment we go up, it was an all out scream fest. Elijah was gassy, poor thing would have probably shot off like a rocket if I hadn't been holding him. Ryder was just, well,Two. It took me forty five minuets to even figure out what he wanted. He kept yelling for "Ass-pee-ble me" which translated into Despicable me in English. On top of all the crankiness I had to take poor Elijah into his two month well check up. Which for us seasoned mommies means shots, and an afternoon full of screaming, fussy baby.
Well the appointment came and went. Poor little guy got a total of five immunizations. One oral and four injections. I don't know about you but I'm Pro vaccine. It really gets to me when I see fellow mothers chatting about how anti-vaccine they are. Seriously, vaccines are the greatest medical breakthrough in the history of medicine. They have saved billions of lives, and have eradicated several deadly diseases. Those of which would still be killing our children today if we hadn't of made a medical intervention. So WHYdon't some mothers choose to give their children this amazing gift of health? I'm completely mind boggled, and the whole " it causes Autism" or " developmental delay" is quiet simply bologna. Even if their were a risk associated with vaccines, I would rather have an Autistic or developmentally delayed child than a dead one.The entire study this whole argument is based on has been proven to be fake. It just really irks me. To be frank I don't want my children who will be fully vaccinated, in the same peids waiting room as children who aren't. For example. I have a two month old. We go to the doctor. In the waiting room another mother brings her child in for a fever and a cough. Now it could be just a simple cough. This child may not even be exhibiting symptoms. No big deal right? Nope. What if this child is part of the new anti vaccine fad, and is carrying Pertussis (whooping cough). That parent just exposed my tiny baby to that fatal (to infants) disease. That is what makes me so nervous about this whole things. A recent study out of California just found a connection to the recent Measles out break to the rise in non vaccinated children. Insert appropriate DUR-DUR-DUR. Now don't get offended. I did not write this blog to bash other moms. I have a right to an opinion just like every other mother. And if you are getting offended go put your big kid panties on. If you really think vaccines are to big of a risk. well you might as well stop driving a car, taking plane rides, or even swim. Seriously people. There are risks to everything. That's just life. That's really all I have to say. I'm just an ordinary momma looking out for her kiddos. I want what I think is best for them. My little creatures are my whole world. I love them to pieces. Well I guess its time for me to attempt to put Elijah to sleep. I will post again as soon as I get a chance. Until then peace out.
Well the appointment came and went. Poor little guy got a total of five immunizations. One oral and four injections. I don't know about you but I'm Pro vaccine. It really gets to me when I see fellow mothers chatting about how anti-vaccine they are. Seriously, vaccines are the greatest medical breakthrough in the history of medicine. They have saved billions of lives, and have eradicated several deadly diseases. Those of which would still be killing our children today if we hadn't of made a medical intervention. So WHYdon't some mothers choose to give their children this amazing gift of health? I'm completely mind boggled, and the whole " it causes Autism" or " developmental delay" is quiet simply bologna. Even if their were a risk associated with vaccines, I would rather have an Autistic or developmentally delayed child than a dead one.The entire study this whole argument is based on has been proven to be fake. It just really irks me. To be frank I don't want my children who will be fully vaccinated, in the same peids waiting room as children who aren't. For example. I have a two month old. We go to the doctor. In the waiting room another mother brings her child in for a fever and a cough. Now it could be just a simple cough. This child may not even be exhibiting symptoms. No big deal right? Nope. What if this child is part of the new anti vaccine fad, and is carrying Pertussis (whooping cough). That parent just exposed my tiny baby to that fatal (to infants) disease. That is what makes me so nervous about this whole things. A recent study out of California just found a connection to the recent Measles out break to the rise in non vaccinated children. Insert appropriate DUR-DUR-DUR. Now don't get offended. I did not write this blog to bash other moms. I have a right to an opinion just like every other mother. And if you are getting offended go put your big kid panties on. If you really think vaccines are to big of a risk. well you might as well stop driving a car, taking plane rides, or even swim. Seriously people. There are risks to everything. That's just life. That's really all I have to say. I'm just an ordinary momma looking out for her kiddos. I want what I think is best for them. My little creatures are my whole world. I love them to pieces. Well I guess its time for me to attempt to put Elijah to sleep. I will post again as soon as I get a chance. Until then peace out.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
New chapter, new blog!
I just recently got back into the groove of things. Elijah has been the polar opposite of Ryder. Elijah has mild colic and pretty bad acid reflux. Imagine the exorcist only smaller and way cuter. We just recently had to put him on acid reflux meds. Which thankfully seems to help. I also saved money and bough a Tula. For those of you who do not know what that is, you should. Especially if your a mother to little ones. It is a gift from god! I swear it must be stitched together by angels themselves. It works miracles. I was completley unable to get simple house hold chores done before. Elijah demanded to be held comstantly. Poor little guy just didnt feel good. My hands were never free to get anything done. If you have known me for any length of time you know I cant sit still. I have to be up and moving. I am a HUGE clean freak. I am constanly scrubbing, washing, or polishing somthing. It killed me having a messy house. I was grumpy and irritable, I am just one of those people who cant relax unless there surroundings are pristeen. Which let me tell you. with boys is hard to accomplish. That was all until the Tula came to live with us. A Tula is an ergonomic baby carrier. Its kind of like a baby back pack. To be honest I used to look down on moms wearing there children every where. I though it was ridiculous. I would think to my self, why on earth would they want there kiddos glued to them like that. I love my babies, dont get me wrong, but i need space. Or so I thought. I look back and oh boy do I feel ignorant. I was SO,SO wrong. Baby wearing is the best thing a mother like me can do! I just strap him in and im good to go! My hands are free to clean, prepare meals, and play with my two year old. It is seriously the best invention ever, and now im totally addicted. I ordered the spotted love print which is super adorable. Its black, grey, white, and yellow. It has the cutest smiling giraffes all over it. I am in love with it. I also have a stoney opal ring sling on reserve until pay day. Trust me fellow mommies. If you havent given baby wearing a shot you should. Dont knock it until you try it.
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